Day Two

Not the best of days, not the worst of days. Somewhere in between...

Slept in, which didn't make for a great start to the day. Woke up to two text messages from E (my ex girlfriend whom I have recently separated from), which didn't make for a great start to the day. Realised I wasn't going to make it down to Mum's work to meet her at midday, which didn't make for a good start to the day. Didn't have time for a morning (well mid-morning) walk, which didn't make for a good start to the day. But rather than letting this get me down, I just plodded on, hoping for an improvement.

Instead of meeting Mum down at her work, she drove home so that I could drop her into the city and then borrow her car. Off to Centrelink - which was surprisingly unpainful. Seems like they do have a little bit of sympathy in their machine, I wonder how long until the government find out and rectify this oversight. I guess when I chat to someone and tell them: "ok, my life has turned to shit in the past four weeks: (a) I was in hospital; (b) my partner and I have separated; (c) I have thus changed address; (d) my GP has been unavailable, but I can probably get a doctor's certificate from the psychiatrist from the hospital." Then that allows them a little leeway. So the good news is, they won't be hounding me for another four weeks - which is a hell of a relief.
And in an 'oh my god, this system is fucked' scenario, the Centrelink lady apologised and said "your payments will decrease as you'll no longer get rent assistance" and then proceeded to show me that I will be receiving a whopping $30 less per fortnight than I was before. i.e. I come out significantly better off. Not to mention, living at home with my Mother, as embarrassing as it is, I incur far less expenses. Apparently my ex-girlfriend (who by definition was my de facto, but seriously, there is no way either of us should have to 'support' the other) was earning enough on a PhD scholarship to reduce my sickness/welfare payments. Utterly absurd.

Anyway, so now I'm financially better off and have less to spend my money on. If only we hadn't broken up - I could be taking her out to dinner an extra night per payday! *sigh*

After Centrelink I had a bit of time to kill, so I went for a drive to Waterfall Gully. That place has always made me happy, so I decided to go and make my day brighter. I say with extreme irony, as when I left Centrelink, the thunderclouds were rolling in and the rain was not far away. By the time I made it to the carpark, the lightning and thunder was quite nearby. I found myself thinking "how perfect, I wasn't trying to kill myself 3.5 weeks ago when I very nearly did; and I'm not trying to kill myself today - so wouldn't it be hilarious if I were to be struck by lightning whilst standing in a particularly vulnerable cliff-top locale?"

Oh, I have a sick and twisted perspective on life at times.

Luckily, the gods decided to smite the train station today, and spare me. However, I did get rained upon. Then hailed upon. Then rained some more. And yes, you guessed it, hailed on some more. It was crazy! So much fun standing half way up a cliff under a tree that offered as much shelter as it could in the torrential downpour, whilst watching a beautiful waterfall (albeit a pretty small one) gain momentum as the creek filled up. By the time I decided I should get out of the rain, I had basically left it too late to not get drenched. So far I had managed to stay relatively dry, due to the protection of the tree, but to get back to the car, I had to face the downpour. By the time I made it back to the car I was completely soaked to the bone.

E sent me another text about our little kitten (the worst thing about a breakup, the children!) and how she'd managed to get caught out in the hail herself. I had to head on down to my job service provider, which happens to be just around the corner from my old house, and was so incredibly tempted to pop in and say hello + quickly dry myself off with a towel. But I resisted the urge, since seeing E and J would most likely just trigger another bout of misery. As it turned out I didn't have enough time anyway, but yeah, I was just happy with myself for avoiding temptation. Just like avoiding alcohol. Did I mention I'm now 25 days without a drink? Well, I am. So yeah, Wednesdays themselves are a bit of a trigger. The previous two Wednesday's I had spent some extremely happy moments with E, thinking that we were reforging a relationship. One that would be very different to the one that had fallen apart in the last six months of 2011, and that I couldn't repair, no matter how hard I tried, in the first two and a half months of this year. Two weeks ago, we watched tv on the couch and had a great big snog session. It was beautiful. It was like two shy teenagers sneaking a quick snog whilst their parents have left them alone together in the loungeroom for a few minutes. I felt as though E&R 1.0 has failed, after nearly 3 years; but E&R 2.0 was just beginning. And beginning in a far better manner than E&R 1.0 had begun! (we originally hated each other - and that hate brought us together. Ah, love-hate, such a fun dichotomy).
Anyway, past Wednesday's have been enjoyable. E&R time. Comfort time. Fun time. But ultimately, unrequited time. And that is something I do not need at the moment. As I've reflected on our past few encounters, my time with E at the moment gives me temporary happiness, but overall misery. I want her back, she doesn't want me back. It's so hard to stay away, but I must! Well, for now. Until I get my brain back in order. But I so badly want a hug. A cuddle. A kiss. NO! MUST NOT WANT! DO NOT NEED! ALARM BELLS!!!

So I went to JSP, which was meh. Since I have moved house, I am no longer in their zone, so they just rattled on about where I'll be going next and offered me little advice on current job vacancies that would suit what I'm after.

Started to drive in a homewards direction to pick up my mother who was going to catch the train, only to receive a phonecall from her informing me of the train station smiting, and that she needed to be picked up from the city. So I chucked a u-turn and picked her up. Didn't get home 'til just before 5pm, then received a text from D letting me know that he was home from work and I could come down for boys night whenever I wanted.

Jumped in the car and head down for boys night. Had a one-on-one chat with D about my situation. I hadn't yet informed him of the hospitalisation, so I wanted to get that one out of my system. I had only started catching up with my friends on the weekend just gone - so the only one's who knew were the mutual friends of E and myself. Bit sad to think that my ex-girlfriend's friends knew that I'd been in hospital, but my close friends hadn't. Oh well, now they know.
Boys night was good. D is a great mate. Always there when I need him. Even if his wife is due to give birth next week! I'm looking forward to being an 'uncle', that's one good thing about having more time on my hands - I will be able to hang out and be an uncle! So goddamn exciting!!!

Oh, and I forgot to mention that E messaged me again whilst I was at boys night, this time about MKR. We formerly sent plethoras of text messages to and fro whilst watching that shitful tv show, unfortunately I think that now means I need to cease watching it, as on Monday night I was unable to control myself and sent her a text. Must stop communications, must avoid triggers. Urgh. This is so fucking hard. If this doesn't help me get better, I'm gonna be SO pissed off!!!

Anyway, when I got home from boys night I sent E an email. It read thus:

Hi,

Sorry I haven't replied to your text messages today, I haven't been dealing with things* very well, and I am fearful that sending you a text will be a trigger. I've been too busy to send an email until now (just got home from boys night).

I am making some pretty good progress, spoke to my psych yesterday and she was very impressed with what I have been doing. But I'm having to work extraordinarily hard to keep it together, hence my lack of response until now. It sucks, because I badly want to communicate with you, but at the same time I need to focus on myself and get better as quickly as I can. I have started a new blog to document my recovery - I might link you to it in the future (that way you can feel as though I'm not ignoring you, just simply unable to communicate one-on-one. For now).

In regards to your first messages - Yes, I took the quilt. I thought it was mine, but I guess if you're asking about it, then it must be yours. I will return it. I haven't yet found your old phone - that will be one of my daily tasks, if not tomorrow, then Friday. As you might expect, my room is an utter mess with bags of clothes, books and CDs all over the place - so finding it could be quite a mammoth task.

In regards to you later text message - yes, the c*nts have gone. However, I don't think I'll watch any more of this season of MKR - because once again, it's a trigger. Oh, and I hope the lightning didn't scare J too much. Silly cat.

Ok, well, I'd like to talk to you more, but that goes against my rules. Goddamn this is hard, but I gotta make it work, as I must get my brain into a happy and productive place.

Seeya,
Me.

*things = you and me.

So yeah, no communications. Or at least, with minimal 'emotion' or 'feeling' involved. And I think if I avoid text messaging - then that will prevent any possible cascade effect of sending one quick text, receiving a reply, sending another, reply, send, reply, send ... [wait for another incoming message] ... [wait] ... [wait] [feel agitated] ... [wait] [feel depressed].
I'm a thinker! And I know that I feel depressed when I send an email and/or text and it doesn't get answered, hell I sent E three emails over the weekend. Sure, they were basically monologue/rant emails, but there were a lot of question marks in each one, and each question I would genuinely like answered. Oh well, nevermind.

And that more-or-less brings us to now. I watch a little tv, and now have spent about an hour writing this trite. I feel sorry for anyone who does happen to stumble upon this - how utterly boring! Maybe I should make it private, since I'm doing it for myself. Hmmm, we'll see...

So, things I achieved today:
ate a banana
took meds
went to centrelink
went to one of my happiest places
got utterly soaked (and hailed on) at one of my happiest places
didn't get struck by lightning
didn't pop in to visit E & J with potential for relapse
went to JSP
ate a carrot
talked to D
went to boys night
ate dinner
wrote my blog entry

Tasks for tomorrow:
eat breakfast
go for a walk
meet with social worker
go to MGS to look at 2nd hand computers (this PC really needs replacing)
write my weekly timetable (oops, didn't do this one today)
go see Even at Arcade Lane
begin tidying up bags of clothes/cds/books etc. (might get shifted to Friday).

ok, that should do for now.
bon soir!